Whenever you do something in excess, do you find that you need to compensate by doing the exact opposite to the extreme? A binge and purge cycle of regret, shame, and misery? After spending the last few months being online a lot, I feel the need to go offline completely.
"...whenever I go to such extreme lengths, I only frustrate the hell out of myself. But that's kind of the point"
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time online. Not just blogging, but reading, researching, shopping, spending. I've talked about some of the negative impacts here before. The issue is, whenever I spend too much time online, I feel this inextricable pull towards a complete Internet detox. Sometimes, I dream about booking a cabin with Unplugged and taking my dog for a weekend in the wilderness, offline.
Read more: Online Shopping Overwhelms Me
The lure of switching my iMac down and setting software to stop it from letting me on completely (Cold Turkey's feature Frozen Turkey, if you're interested) becomes greater. As does getting a family member to set my iPad screentime passcode so I can't use that to cheat my way back onto the Internet. And my phone's already basically a very expensive dumbphone, just with Maps, banking apps, and a few other odds and ends that don't really draw me in. Of course, whenever I go to such extreme lengths, I only frustrate the hell out of myself. But that's kind of the point.
The Internet seems to cost me more than I benefit from it. I'll try to convince myself otherwise, of course, but deep-down, I know the truth.
My sleep is terrible. I spend too much money. I feel absolutely frazzled. My mental health has been less than perfect for pretty much the whole of my adult life.
I, of course, put a lot of that down to my Internet use. I've been Really Quite Online™ since I was a teenager. I do understand though, that it's not really the Internet, it's me.
There are plenty of people out there who have a healthy relationship with the Internet. They use it as a tool. They log on (yes, I sound like your granny in 1999), do whatever they need to do, and log off again. That must be idyllic.
I, however, seem to be like a screen junkie. Nearly constantly online, and when I'm not, I wish I was. Whenever I'm offline, I get twitchy, irritable, and quite often really anxious. This, I can only assume, is because I'm using the Internet to hide away from my thoughts, and when I'm not online, I'm not 'self-soothing' in that way. Hence the absolute tidal wave of anxiety that washes over me should I be left alone with my own thoughts. Even though I quit social media years ago, I still can't resist doing other things online.
During lockdown, everything all got too much, and I did the drastic thing I'm hoping to do now. I quit the Internet as much as I possibly could; living my life with a Nokia 3310, books, my little old iPod, and a lot of spare time on my hands. I felt a lot happier, I really did. My anxiety levels, in particular, drastically decreased. I also quit the news during this time, and it was amazing.
Read more: Is All News Bad News? Should We Stop Consuming The News?
However, I don't seem to be able to get back to that offline utopia. Modern life doesn't quite let me. I need apps. I need to shop online. I need to check my emails. (During my previous offline time, I only checked my emails three times a week.) I need, need, need. But what if I don't? What if the Internet has tricked me into the illusion of needing it to get by, when I could be better off living differently? We're all so dependent on the Internet, but perhaps it doesn't have to be this way for us all.
"Your personality is really quite down to what your feed your mind and I don't want my personality to reflect the Internet."
I get that a lot of Even More Online Than Me People™ might say that I'm not being aware of my privilege or something like that. They often cite Uber drivers as needing a smartphone to survive. They'd also say that I'm a bad person because I can't conduct activism without Instagram or something. I say that's probably a little bit of deflection and defensiveness there from people who also can't control their Internet usage.
Your personality is really quite down to what your feed your mind and I don't want my personality to reflect the Internet.
I buy things related to hobbies and then leave them languishing in their box because the Internet pulls me in. It's far easier to browse the opinions of strangers on Reddit (ironically, the Digital Minimalism and NoSurf subreddits are particularly alluring to me), read the news, or fall down a YouTube rabbit hole for hours than it is to get off your backside and actually do something more productive - like crafting.
So what's the plan? Going cold turkey for a long weekend, followed by a period of at least thirty days of trying to live as offline as I possibly can.
Up to now, I've bought a bumper wordsearch book, a colouring book (who cares if I'm 33?), lots of actual books rather than Kindle ones, and some craft bits. I'm also going to set up my new mini greenhouse and try and grow my own veg - the bit I'm most excited about, I think!
Shall we see how it goes? Maybe you could join me in this little offline escapade?
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