For the last three years, I've been struggling immensely with my sleep. I'm now so past the point of exhaustion that I no longer feel human anymore.
I've never been a good sleeper. Even as a child, I struggled to get shut eye. Good sleep has always eluded me, as I have a whirring mind, and wandering thoughts, and fears that seem to wash over me like a tidal wave as soon as I clamber under the covers.
When others went to school refreshed, I went to school yawning. When others went to lectures at uni (I was going to say refreshed, but they were probably still drunk from the night before...) feeling able to cope, I'd be so exhausted on my two hours' worth of shut-eye that I'd be delirious and hyper because I was solely running on adrenaline and caffeine. (Thank goodness I did a drama degree, so I seemed to blend in.)
And that's been the norm for my entire adult life: running off adrenaline and caffeine.
We're so used to living like this as a society - tired and wired - that it's socially acceptable, probably even encouraged, in some cases, to burn the candle at both ends. We're more productive that way! We get more done! We cram more in! Never mind if we're so lightheaded that we wobble about a bit (I once fell sideways into my open wardrobe in this state), and waffle on (not at all like this) as if we're tired drunk, and we generally aren't getting much joy out of life at all because we're too e x h a u s t e d to enjoy doing anything but the bare minimum. Productivity is what matters. Not health. Not happiness. No, what we achieve and how much money we can make for others... But I digress.
"There's no running away from under a duvet, is there?"
Many years ago, I saw a therapist for a few sessions and she told me back then (when my sleep wasn't even as bad as it is now) that she'd never told anyone to get medication before, but that I should consult my GP for some sleeping pills. She'd never known anyone so unable to sleep as me, even after teaching me some progressive muscle relaxation exercises and some mindfulness too. I just can't get no sleep. (Well, I can, thankfully, but nowhere near enough.)
I could be enjoying my life so much more than I do, if I had more sleep, and better quality sleep too.
It's just easier said than done though, isn't it?
So much of modern life is geared up to grab our attention and hold it for as long as possible, that sometimes you forget to switch off and go to sleep at a decent time. Sometimes, it's hard to switch off because you're so overstimulated by the Internet, by TV, or by, well, everything really. Life is a lot, isn't it? (Check me out, getting all philosophical.)
Sometimes it's hard to sleep because you spend all of your waking day trying to run away from your problems and anxieties, and then you get to bedtime and you finally have to confront them. There's no running away from under a duvet, is there?
Sometimes you're confronted with a cringe attack and you're forced to mentally relive the time you fell over in front of the boy you fancied (and his best mate) in year nine... No, just me?
And I seem to come from a long line of insomniacs. My parents are terrible sleepers, and my grandparents too. We're all night owls who aren't able to switch off. Trying to improve my sleep often feels like trying to outrun my genetics. Perhaps I just need to accept fate and give in to insomnia?
Over the last few years, I've read many books on sleep - all of which terrified me. Why do they insist on telling you how much you're going to get ill and die young, when all you wanted were some tips on how to actually sleep better? Because, honestly, the most popular sleep books, by sleep experts, have only sought to make my anxiety-driven insomnia even worse, cheers guys. (There's nothing quite like lying awake at 5am ordering yourself to sleep because that book said you're going to get breast cancer if you don't SLEEP NOW! Or having a daytime health anxiety attack because you only got five hours again.)
I do think, as an aside, that sleep books do encourage a level
of perfectionism around sleep. It's not helpful for those of us who are
struggling - to be told we're doing it all wrong when we're doing our
best. They make us feel as though we're harming our bodies, which we
probably are, and that can lead us to panic rather than to feel reassured. Sleep by Nick Littlehales is probably the only sleep book I've read that doesn't do this.
I've tried to make my bedroom more 'enticing' - for myself, not men... Still doesn't work. I've tried to cut out a lot of digital devices for hours before bedtime, and generally what happens is, I fall asleep on the sofa and when I finally get to bed, I can't sleep then. I've tried herbal stuff - Nytol made me weirdly tipsy, which was quite nice. I rub magnesium spray into my feet each night, which kind of helps, but I still wake up a few times. I have a white noise machine. Earplugs. An eye mask. Pillow sprays. Pulse rollers. You name it, I've tried it. (Except sleeping pills, because after reading this book, I'm scared of them, not going to lie.) And still, I don't get enough sleep, and I don't sleep well.
This all has an impact on my daily life, because I'm too exhausted to properly function. And, by that I mean, I don't dare drive in case I kill anyone. I don't take my dog for many walks (he goes out with others!) because I'm too knackered, and my once loved exercise bike is an novelty clothes horse right now, because the thought of climbing on it makes me yawn. I don't have time for hobbies, because I just want to sleep. And I go through concealer at breakneck speed, or just wear sunglasses a lot, because the dark circles and bags under my eyes are so bad I want to cry. Everything aches. My whole body seems to feel like it's falling to bits. And the future only seems bleak, because I'm too exhausted to look forward to anything other than a decent night's sleep.
So, how do I fix this? Even better sleep hygiene, probably. And maybe just learning to relax, because I'm not very good at that.
I thought it'd perhaps help me to document my journey to better sleep. Hence this blog post. I'll be writing a bit more about it in the future, as and when I've got something to write about. So stay posted for the The Sleep Diaries.
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